Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Vernon Howard

I receive these emails everyday from www.anewlife.org... They always give me something to meditate on throughout the day. They end up being very helpful for my poetry and songwriting...

"Never, never ever again believe that Truth is like you are, hard
and harsh and wanting to hurt you. Always believe that Truth is
the opposite of what you are."

Conquer Stress While Sleeping
Powerful Techniques for Self-Rescue - MP3 CD

Monday, December 28, 2009

the role of the artist

While in Miami I was able to reconnect with some old classmates from my old art school. I was fascinated most by those who had branched off into other professions outside of art... They seemed to have so much more to pull from, larger arenas for their imaginations.. The opposite of what we warned against as fledgling artists... though an artist is always an artist... never really becoming or unbecoming in truth. Today at the coffee shop I frequent, my favorite barista who is also an actress told me of her plans to go to nursing school. I felt such excitement and pride for her! Shaking up the monotony of day to day living and reaching fearlessly for new ground... So what is the profession of an artist? How is it possible that you should want to be only an artist? Reminds me of when children tell me they want to be teachers... Teach what? What do you have to teach? Experience, live, teach; if you don't have all of these elements how effective can you really be? Do we really need more ineffective people? Harsh, I know... The world needs artists, of this i am sure; but do we really need sheltered, one-dimensional, lonely, semi-bored creators? and what is it that they are really creating in this state?

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Tich Nat Han meditation card...

I read a meditation card today that suggested that being born, we are rich; yet we continuously act poor.. Being conscious of our intuitive intelligence can change all of this... A kind of consciousness of inner knowledge to spur physical action is the desirable treasure then, isn't it? The key to the motor of the fulfilled man.....

Friday, December 25, 2009


In Miami for Christmas visiting family and friends. Happy to be reconnecting with these people, strange to go back in time...

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Sunday, November 22, 2009


Freya, the Wild Woman of the North

Her message in modern times......

Freya, the Lady of the Battlefield, leads the spirits of not only those who die in battle, but those who have lived with purpose and devotion. Those who have loved and have been true and loyal.

Freya teaches us that we can still fight, even when all the odds are against us. She knew she couldn't save her son but that didn't stop her from trying.

She will reward you if you are loyal to your principles.

Freya teaches us about not breaking faith. Not necessarily marital fidelity as these small matters are of no concern to her as long as you are faithful in yourself.

The virtue of Freya is much more, it is the willingness to be true to your beliefs, your principles, your family, friends and community. This is the concept of not breaking faith.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

My Great Grandmother, Lois Pendleton Todd

In 1920 Dr. Lois Pendleton, a 26-year-old American physician, sailed for China to serve as a surgeon in a mission hospital in Shantung province. It was the beginning of a remarkable life—one that combined healing with study of the Chinese language and culture. It was also a life of commitment and courage.

Born in Minneapolis, Minnesota, in 1894, Lois Pendleton was an infant when her family moved to Saratoga, California, in 1895. Lois attended Campbell Union High School, eight miles from Saratoga. She was interested in science from a young age and decided that she wanted to be a public health nurse or a physician.

Pendleton's family belonged to the Saratoga Congregational Church, which had long supported missionary work and had set up a settlement to assist returned missionaries. As a young girl she met missionaries who had returned to the United States after working abroad, and their stories inspired her to become a missionary.

Lois Pendleton enrolled at the University of California, Berkeley in 1912. She received her bachelor's degree in 1916, and her doctor of medicine degree in 1920 from the University of California, San Francisco, School of Medicine.

A few months after graduating from medical school, Dr. Pendleton and a classmate were posted to China by the American Board of Commissioners for Foreign Missions. When she arrived, she had a few months of language training in Peking (now Beijing). Proficiency in Chinese was essential, as all communication with patients, hospital staff, and nurses was in Chinese.

Dr. Lois (as she became known) settled into work at a mission in Tenchow, and found that her responsibilities included emergencies, critical patient care, and general surgery. She worked at the hospital from 7:30 each morning until 6:30 at night, and was on call all night and was responsible for the medical care of all the women and children patients, including surgery.

Life in Tehchow, in northeastern China, was a constant challenge as well. While Dr. Pendleton treated the patients that came to the hospital, civil war, bandits, guerrilla skirmishes, major floods, dust storms, famines, and epidemics often added to the challenge of the mission's work. In 1927, a battle raged between two warlords just two miles from the mission compound. Several of the doctors at the mission later told of bullets whizzing by the compound.

In 1927 the political conditions in Shantung became so dangerous and unstable, that Dr. Pendleton and her colleagues were advised to leave the mission for good. She withdrew to Tientsin (now Tianjin) on the coast, where she met Oliver Todd, a young American civil engineer. They became engaged and two months later they married. Dr. Lois Pendleton Todd and her new husband settled in Beijing. Oliver Todd continued his engineering work on projects throughout China, while Dr. Todd provided health care for missionaries and other Americans in Beijing. She also taught at Peking Union Medical College (Rockefeller Foundation Medical Center), and worked at the Presbyterian Hospital.

Dr. Todd and her husband had four children. When they were young, Dr. Todd worked as a school physician at the Peking American School, providing medical care and immunizations to the students.

When the Japanese invaded northern China in 1938, Dr. Todd and her family were forced to give up their work and return to the United States. They settled in California, near Palo Alto. Dr. Todd worked as a student health physician at Stanford University, conducting physical exams on all new students, made rounds on any patients in the infirmary, and taught a class in personal health and preventive medicine. She retired in 1960 at age 65 after twenty-two years of service, and went into part-time private practice, until neurological ailments associated with Lou Gehrig's disease forced her second retirement.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

music school....blast off

In 9 days I finish my stint as a waitress at Tavern at the Park and begin school at the Chicago College of Music. I have been out of school for near 6 years and find the thought of being immersed in a learning institution focused solely on music to be awesomely all consuming. The point at which my dreams begin to materialize into a highlighted course on a detailed map has always seemed to be one of the most exciting sates of the human experience. A state I crave almost obsessively. So naturally, I am ready for the thrill of music school. I have come to love so many different aspects of music and feel elated that I will be in a place this next month where the majority of my time will be spent discovering, honing and perfecting my own musical abilities. As I tie up the last few strands of my old lifestyle, I realize what an incredible feat my songwriting/solo artist/city rat pilgrimage really was. The constant moving, job changing, gigging turned solitary musical revelations and philosophy studies have allowed me to prove my strength, intelligence and ability to take action, to myself. I have made a respected friend with myself and I am confidently ready for the next step.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Casta Diva!!! Maria Callas and Rosa Ponselle

Rosa Ponselle was Maria Callas' idol. I can see why...

Casta Diva, che inargenti
queste sacre antiche piante
a noi volgi il bel sembiante
senza nube e senza vel...
Tempra, o Diva
tempra tu de’ cori ardenti
tempra ancora lo zelo audace,
spargi in terra quella pace
che regnar tu fai nel ciel...
Fine al rito : e il sacro bosco  
Sia disgombro dai profani.
Quando il Nume irato e fosco,
Chiegga il sangue dei Romani,
Dal Druidico delubro
La mia voce tuonerà.
Cadrà; punirlo io posso.
(Ma, punirlo, il cor non sa.
Ah! bello a me ritorna
Del fido amor primiero;
E contro il mondo intiero...
Difesa a te sarò.
Ah! bello a me ritorna
Del raggio tuo sereno;
E vita nel tuo seno,
E patria e cielo avrò.
Ah, riedi ancora qual eri allora,
Quando il cor ti diedi allora,
Ah, riedi a me.)

O pure Goddess, who silver
These sacred ancient plants,
Turn thy beautiful semblance on us
Unclouded and unveiled...
Temper, o Goddess,
The brave zeal
Of the ardent spirits,
Scatter on the earth the peace
Thou make reign in the sky...
Complete the rite : and the sacred wood
Be clear of the laity.
When the irate and gloomy God
Asks for the Roman’s blood
My voice will thunder
From the Druidic temple.
He will fall ; I can punish him
(Ah! Return to me beautiful
In your first true love ;
I’ll protect you
Against the entire world.
Ah! Return to me beautiful
With your serene ray;
I’ll have life, sky
And homeland in your heart.
Ah, return again as you were then,
When I gave you my heart then,
Ah, come back to me.)

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Ruben Dario


The tree is happy because it is scarcely sentient;
the hard rock is happier still, it feels nothing:
there is no pain as great as being alive,
no burden heavier than that of conscious life.

To be, and to know nothing, and to lack a way,
and the dread of having been, and future terrors...
And the sure terror of being dead tomorrow,
and to suffer all through life and through the darkness,

and through what we do not know and hardly suspect...
And the flesh that temps us with bunches of cool grapes,
and the tomb that awaits us with its funeral sprays,
and not to know where we go,
nor whence we came!...

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Tuesday, March 31, 2009


So I am learning classical guitar and metal head shredding simultaneously... yehes...This will work wonders for my songs and general happiness..

Saturday, March 21, 2009

interesting...artist vs performer

"Entertainment wants to give you what you want. Art wants to give you what you don't know you want."

"Entertainment condescends to what it perceives as your level. Art assumes you're at a high level and wants to take you higher -- it conascends."

"It is the spectator, and not life, that art really mirrors."
- Oscar Wilde

"No artist desires to prove anything. Even things that are true can be proved."
- Oscar Wilde, to whom this section is humbly dedicated

"Yes, the public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius."
- Oscar Wilde

"We can forgive a man for making a useful thing as long as he does not admire it. The only excuse for making a useless thing is that one admires it intensely. All art is quite useless."
- Oscar Wilde

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Wednesday, March 18, 2009


"As stern as it sometimes appears to be, the truth is love and is
never anything but love."

Sunday, March 15, 2009

v. howard

"I will give you a silver rule - Watch alertly what society does
and do the exact opposite."

Thursday, March 12, 2009

I have fallen in love with Someone Who hides inside you.

There is a Beautiful Creature
Living in a hole you have dug.
So at night
I set fruit and grains
And little pots of wine and milk
Beside your soft earthen mounds,
And I often sing.
But still, my dear,
You do not come out.
I have fallen in love with Someone
Who hides inside you.
We should talk about this problem-
Otherwise, I will never leave you alone.
by Hafiz

Tuesday, March 10, 2009


Wanted your opinions on this... i have to write this essay and I am not quite sure how to approach it.....

What do you think is the biggest problem affecting the youth in your community? If you were to sit down with your sheriff to discuss this issue, what suggestions would you make in order to deal with this problem?

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Saturday, February 28, 2009


So i have been contemplating the idea of wasting time recently. Any comment on laziness directed at anybody make me feel a little guilty. I always think...well, I could be doing more.. i was given so many gifts..The word is my present, and its still pretty much left unopened....This feeling is always a bit of a verbally abusive insecure middle management boss type character, beating me down and out.. Then i get a little rebellious inside and remember back on a time when I was busy constantly. I was producing a lot of work! I was busy, and frustrated...and confused....and unhappy with what was coming out..but people had a great deal of respect for me and praised my artistic battle and upheaval as great discipline and diligence... "Surely you will Succeed!"...hmmmhmm.. and at what cost? and who's view of success? Perhaps the artistic battle should be to remain cool, calm and collected in a backward, confused, selfsatisfied, angry whirlwind of society. Finding the calm within the storm..or perhaps the serenity above the storm with the clear panoramic view of..lightness? This is all to say that I am attempteing to go with the flow of my artistic energy levels. I have work to do, obviously, but banishing guilt as a way of making me creative has been a difficult task...meaning a vital task. Im trying to find my perfect balance of out put and input.. active and passive quests for beauty and knowledge..yin and yang. oy.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

"Arrogance is always about ready to cry."

Saturday, February 21, 2009


oh me oh my...Winter wont retire! Please be gone winter!!! My bones ache! I want a sunny beach. gimme.

Thursday, February 19, 2009


I am strangely nervous about this audition next week. the benefit of nervous energy is lucid dreaming. Three days ago I dreamed the girlfriend of my coworker, who looked like Clair from "Heros" (the one who can heal) gave me sage advice on how to get rid of this bunny infestation I had in my apartment. When I returned home from consulting her over a bonfire all these little bunnies had willingly climbed into this pink recycling bag by my back door..waiting to be taken out..The mother bunny however, defended the bag and when I reached down to pick her up she bit through my leather gloves and swung like a pendulum in slow motion..hanging from my glove...barely missing my finger..and I just sort of watched her swing for a while. When she let go I told her that all the bunnys couldnt stay here; that there was not enough room. The mother rabbit spoke to me saying "why do you kick us out yet keep your plants here? This is a double starndard!" I heard the rabbit out and lined all my plants up outside my back door along with her little bunnies and she left.
Then the sage my coworker, Edgar and I started down the path of initiation though a dark forest to this waterfront that seemed to be some kind of well kept secret and meeting place of people like us. We didnt know how to get there..We just kept walking..Then my old subletter reached out from this steep dirt drop from the trail telling me the only way down was to fall down the side of the trail and stumble into the hidden lake. He wanted to carry me and I obliged. At the bottom of the drop was a misty dark fjord. My subletter began talking to me about the school politics at his university..when I didnt respond he became upset and I tolf him if he wanted me to understand what he was talking about he would have to explain the process to me as I have no experience in that sort of thing..Somehow I got away and wandered around through the steamy dark waters and woods. The end.

Vernon Howard

"To say that man dwells in a state of psychic sleep is not simply
a figure of speech. The evidence is plain, if only we will face it.
Would an awakened man burn himself up with angers and hatreds, with
egotistical sufferings, with stupid ambitions?"
V. Howard

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Meeting with my favorite Degas paintings

Yellow dancers
pink dancer
"Only when he no longer knows what he is doing does the painter do good things."
Edgar Degas

Friday, February 13, 2009

Gabriel Garcia Marquez Quotes

“Nobody deserves your tears, but whoever deserves them will not make you cry.”

“It is not true that people stop pursuing dreams because they grow old, they grow old because they stop pursuing dreams.”

“What matters in life is not what happens to you but what you remember and how you remember it.”

“...human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, but...life obliges them over and over again to give birth to themselves.”

“The problem with marriage is that it ends every night after making love, and it must be rebuilt every morning before breakfast.”

“A person doesn't die when he should but when he can.”

“Necessity has the face of a dog.”

“No, not rich. I am a poor man with money, which is not the same thing.”

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Maria Callas quotes

"You are born an artist or you are not. And you stay an artist, dear, even if your voice is less of a fireworks. The artist is always there. "
Maria Callas

"I don't need the money, dear. I work for art. "
Maria Callas

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Rainer Maria Rilke

"I hold this to be the highest task for a bond between two people: that each protects the solitude of the other."

"I want to be with those who know secret things or else alone."

"The purpose of life is to be defeated by greater and greater things."

Rainer Maria Rilke

Saturday, January 31, 2009

oh mah gosh

oh mah gosh oh mah gosh oh mah gosh oh mah gosh oh mah gosh oh mah gosh oh mah gosh oh mah gosh oh mah gosh oh mah gosh oh mah gosh oh mah gosh oh mah gosh oh mah gosh oh mah gosh oh mah gosh oh mah gosh oh mah gosh oh mah gosh oh mah gosh oh mah gosh oh mah gosh....... When it rains it pours. I am moving..for the third time this year...for lack of monetary compensation....I am auditioning for The Roosevelt Music Conservatory for classical voice... I havent taken voice lessons in months...due to lack of monetary compensation and teetering on the brink of insanity. I joined this gym right by my house and made myself promise to wake up at 7:30 every morning and run before i go to work... Its working so far...The world is a more beautiful place when you excersice before jumping into it..Dude, I want to watch movies, sit in saunas, drink tea, and float in bubbles all day.....garble garble. k. Im done now.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Recent inspiration

Alexander McQueen and Joseph Arthur!!!

Wow! About two months ago I revisited a mix a friend of mine gave me and found, "Honey In The Moon" By Joseph Arthur!!! captivating stuff!!!!! Just as good the 50th listen as the first. He and his band, the Lonely Astronauts, are touring right now!!! Go buy tickets!! He is living the dream! Andy Warhol style... in his painting studio/gallery with all his art buddies....Recording in his basement, touring with his friends, painting all night...making his own music videos... Damn. This guy knows where its at.

Alexander McQueen's creations have had my jaw on the floor these last few days. Everything I see of his is fresh, invigorating, romantic, daring, alluring.....This is fashion....Dressing bodies with art..

I hope to push through my studies with this kind of creative explosiveness. I have definitely felt the power before. I am in a weird phase now...There are lesson here to be learned.

ima post some photos soon.

I am reading , The Mists Of Avalon, right now as well... This is one of those books that will change my life, forever!! monumental mental shifts are occuring...again!!........... I am paying attention to the process, this time:)

Oh! I bought a ukulele! Portable happiness!!